Hour 11: I'm not sure what happened, but some time after I began the third movie I went into a sort of trance... I only know how much time I lost, and that both my wrist and penis are quite sore.

"So I shouldn't fuck her in your room, then." "No!  Don't let that bitch in the house!" "So I should fuck her on the porch..."

Again, I have nothing against dressing your girlfriend up as a nurse for sexual purposes, or dressing as the mailman so your wife wants your dick. Whatever floats your boat, per se. As far as I'm concerned, whatever you do in the privacy of your home or by-the-hour love hotel is your business. But I work on the Internet... meaning when you freaks run amok posting pictures of yourselves dressed in furry animal suits or as Sailor Scouts, you're doing it uncomfortably close to my office. Therefore, I've no choice but to address the worst of you in broad categories, and be as insulting as possible.

In cases of extreme coital fervor, I have been known to shred a rubber dick-suit as if my penis were Bruce Banner becoming the Hulk. Sure, I could double-bag it, but why? If I'm not having sex to make a baby, what purpose could it possibly serve but to be enjoyable? What sort of sadistic fuck would you have to be to enjoy sex wearing multiple layers of penile armor? I don't like people who dress their dogs up for Halloween. Why the fuck would I dress my dick up just to entertain company?

"Wait, what? So you mean to tell me that we live in the so-called capital of the free world, but blowjobs are against the law?"

That's the unfortunate downside of shopping in the online meat-markets... they make you hungry for strange flesh. I wasn't sure how long I could tamp myself down, and my worst fear was exposing one of these internet people to my naked desire. The trenchcoat makes me seem creepy enough.

Some of these devices are easily purchased at your neighborhood sex shop; some of these devices would require materials from six different websites, an intermediate knowledge of robotics, and a few hours of MacGyvering. Science has already given us genetically engineered food and children... how long will it be before robots can make ladies orgasm from across the street?

It will always be easier for hippies to love trees than people, as trees can't possibly dislike you for being stupid. I once went down on a hippie girl and it felt like I'd huffed the fumes from a forest fire and then chased it with a shot of human sweat.

For some assignments, I expect only payment. For some, I expect only the adoration of you, the reader - but for this particular assignment, I would like a big shiny medal. A medal and enough Xanax to erase large chunks of my memory.

I think she was prepared for the sex by the time we got to my apartment. I don't think she was prepared for the look of absolute madness in my eyes. Though I had known her for about an hour, the drugs had given me the fervor of a man who'd just been released after a long prison term.