Dear Mistress Manners,
I have never considered myself to be submissive, or at least not in the way of wanting to totally be dominated by a woman. This webcam model, [REDACTED NAME], is not a pro-domme, but she sometimes displays dom tendencies and she really likes my attention.
In a way she already does dominate me; for the last year she has always been on my mind and I have developed a serious need to watch her videos multiple times everyday.
I feel so selfish and greedy to want more and more. I do send her gifts of “appreciation,” but lately they have become, in my mind, gifts of tribute to my Goddess who I worship.
I fear telling her that would be off putting, and I fear that my sending has become passive aggressive because she might see my gifts as obligations rather than presents.
Sooo, the questions I have:
Is it wrong on my part to ask something of [her] that she does not really do? Under the circumstances, is it right to send gifts? I feel guilty for falling so completely for her and for wanting more than anything to be dominated by her and to please her with total admiration and obedience.
Thanks for any advice you can offer,
SECRET SUBMISSIVE
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Secret Sub,
A lot of these questions could be answered by contacting the lady you admire directly.
You already know that she may not be willing to take this to a more D/s level, however much she may like your attentions (after all, this is part of the job), and you need to be willing to respect that. Fortunately, your email makes it sound like you are concerned about her comfort, which is wonderful! The fact that you respect her boundaries and are concerned about what she is interested in doing is much appreciated.
It sounds like you are awfully infatuated with this lovely lady, which is very normal. However common it is for clients to feel that way about the sex workers they interact with regularly, you should also know that even if she does feel amenable to working with you in a D/s context, you will still be viewed as a client. That means that the likelihood of you developing an intimate relationship with her beyond that is low, if not nonexistent. I don’t know if that’s something you are inquiring about, and I don’t want to get your hopes up. This isn’t advice on making that happen.
I also would explore limiting your exposure to her so as not to burn yourself (or your wallet) out. From what little you have told me about your behavior, it sounds like you use her videos as a form of escapism. You don’t want to have it become self-destructive or damaging to her OR to you. Your self-preservation is important too.
Does she have a work email you can contact her at? I suggest sending her an email stating that you love her cam-work, but that you would be interested in seeking a more kinky dynamic. You should ask her what her services would extend to, what her boundaries are, and what her rates are for those services.
Here are a few things you need to figure out before you contact her:
-How much are you willing to pay for these services? How will this fit into your budget?
-What exactly are you asking for? Are you asking for private cam time in which she can act as a dominant? Are you asking her to do pro-domme work in person?
-Are you interested in sending gifts in an effort to treat her and thank her for her services, or are you sending them to solicit a deeper interpersonal relationship? The former reason is appropriate while the latter is not. If you don’t want her to see them as obligations, be sure not to treat her (or the gifts) as such.
Generally, though, regarding gifts:
Sending tips is always appreciated. If you want to send her something tangible, ask her what she wants. Many sex workers have online wishlists, and I’m sure that if she has one, she would be more than happy to link you to it. Many of the sex workers I know will take gifts they receive from clients and work them into their sessions with the clients who sent them, or will do photoshoots with the gifts specifically for the clients. Ask her if any of these are an option.
If she doesn’t respond at all, or responds negatively to your questions, don’t push the issue. Do not send more gifts. Do not continue to contact her. Remember: A non-answer is an answer.
Most sex workers that I know are open to suggestion or questions about their services as long as they know that their time is valued and their boundaries are respected. It sounds like you have kept that in mind, so you should be a-okay.
Hope that helps,
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Tizzy Wall is the Playpen Report’s petite spitfire sex-worker, here to talk about queerdom, sex work, and other kinktastic wonders. Take a peek into her big, lovely brain on both Tumblr and Twitter, or like her page on Facebook.
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