New Years Eve. The ultimate. If you don’t get laid on this epic night of nights, you may as well hang up your fur coat, because we all know how eager every lad and lassie is to start the year off right by validating their very own fuckability.

When I made plans to go to my friends show for the night, I was thrilled to find out that her steamy roommate — who had a major hard-on for me — would be there. Yippee! He was tall and lean, with full sleeves, a beard, and gorgeous eyes of sea blue.

He had also just broken it off with his girlfriend, so I knew he was a little vulnerable, yet no one had claims on that dick. If anyone could cheer up the poor Baby it would be me and the twins.

I strutted into the bar in my tight kitty dress, seven inch heels and leather jacket. I made my way over to say hello to him, and he lifted me up in an enthusiastic embrace, and insisted on buying me a drink. As I felt the warm whiskey make its way down the back of my throat, I knew it was going to be a good night (after all I had met the Tweenager on the train that evening).

As Lela and I danced during his set, we were approached by a cute guy and two girls who decided to kiss us and get the party started early. My head spun as I slurped down free champagne, looking back at the giant screen which displayed the countdown to 2012.

Baby boy finished his set and made sure to be close to me at that fateful hour. Tension swelled as we counted down from twenty. His arm was around me, and I knew he had staked his claim. When the clock struck midnight he leaned in and gave my lips the suck of a lifetime. I hoped that wasn’t all he’d be sucking.

He scattered off and our friend, The Artist, decided it was his turn to go in for the kill. I allowed him a small peck and he went on his way. My sole mission was to find Baby and nurse him back to health.

He noticed the Artist hitting on me and stole me away to get me even more inebriated. While at the bar he insisted that he was not in a good place, should be married, and that he wasn’t “the one” for me. Ehem, “the one?” Are you fucking kidding me? The only One I was looking for was the cock that would be inside my cunt that evening.

I pulled him into the bathroom and he slid his hands over my supple ass as I kissed his scruffy face. “Seriously. You have the ass and tits of gold, but I can’t do this.” Buzz-kill of the century. I was so certain I’d had him in the palm of my dirty, tainted hand.

I backed off, reminding myself not to work so hard. Time went on and I had almost given up, but Miss Forward is entirely unfamiliar with such a term. And of course, as I was outside making a phone call he came around the corner and pulled me into his SUV. Nothing turns me in more than a man with a car to match his hefty cock size.

He put the keys in the ignition and I remembered that I couldn’t leave Lela in the dust. “Aw, you have your friend?” he moaned. What a fucking winer. “Nevermind, I really can’t do this, maybe you should take a cab home,” he said.

Oh no. You don’t decide to take me home just so you can change your mind. I had only one option left: I had to straddle the motherfucker into submission. He moaned as I stroked his member through his jeans. He urgently slid his man-hands down my pants and rubbed my clit fast and hard, sending my butt straight into the horn on his steering wheel.

The honk must have snapped him out of it, because he frantically decided that we must drive home. On the way back, he started freaking out about his string of ex-girlfriends, his disappointed family, and his eagerness to start one of his own. I rolled my eyes. The only life story I want is the one that ends with you coming on my tits, I thought.

The flame in my vagina was slowly dying as I realized I had better chances of cuddling that night than getting it on. And that’s exactly what happened.

I woke up at 9am, fully clothed, with nothing but a massive hangover. As I stepped outside and waited for my cab, the neighbors were on the roof keeping their party going.

“Hey!” shouted a girl.

“Hey,” I shouted back.

“You must have had a good night. Your lipstick is smeared all over your face.”

I laughed, then wiped at my face with my defeated hand.

“If only you knew,” I replied.

I sighed. I may have struck out the prior evening, but it was all right. I had all year ahead of me to catch up.