Specimen number 1: Shmagoogle

Thank you for making my breakups easier. Yes, it’s true. You, indeed, provide me with the distraction, instant gratification, and attention I need to successfully get my mind off of fleeting penises.

That said, would you please install a creep filter? For every decent looking, normal behaving guy I meet on your site, there are ten lying, “lol”-spewing weirdos.

Specimen number 1: Shmagoogle

I needed a guy with a beard fast. One with a rock n’ roll edge, and a witty repour.

Due to his adorable pictures and our rad cyber-chemistry (the phrase is a paradox in itself) I decided to meet the bloke.

Mind you he claimed he was 5’9″.

Well, when he walked into the bar my expectations were more than slighted. Verdict: a 5’3″ awkward little dwarf. As I sighed, my tits sagged sadly, losing their original enthusiastic perkiness.

I decided I was going to need much more whiskey to get myself through this evening — which in turn gave me the courage to ask Elmer Fudd about his height lie. He denied the fabrication, and insisted on the height of five feet, nine inches. I tried hard to suppress my quizzical expression.

What I don’t understand is why people lie about this, and better yet, why they hold to their lie once they are found out.

While the little Shmagoogs eyed me with his goggly-eye grin, and tried to make his way nearer, I desperately sought an exit strategy. It was escape in a flash or stay and crush the little man’s dreams — and the nature of his lie told me they had probably been stomped on plenty of times in the past. I mean, this was fight or flight mode folks!

His hand on my leg was the last straw. Luckily I knew the owners and everyone working at the establishment, and when I ran to the downstairs bar, the bouncer pointed me to the nearest back exit. Aha! I hit the gold!

But as I approached the door, I felt a twinge of empathy. I may be hustler, but I have a soul after all. I would certainly never answer the poor kids phone calls or texts, but that didn’t mean I had to leave him high and dry in the middle of the bar.

I returned after a seeming eternity, hung out for another five minutes while Shmagoogle told me how adorable I am, and then announced apologetically that I was not feeling well, and must go home to rest.

I got home feeling slightly deflated, and decided to call an old standby to lift my spirits. It is essential for any pleasure-seeking woman to always have a few individuals on the back burner for times like these.

So please, free dating site, install said lurk-filter so I can avoid tragic situations like this, and continue adventuring successfully.

To be continued,
Franny Forward