Welcome back to another installment of Courtgasm; where powdered wigs meet hairless muffs and double jeopardy is doubly penetrated. The one time of the week where I can blow my jurisprudential load without reservations. This week I’m talking about Viagra.

It would seem the newest chapter in legislators’ attempts to regulate human reproductive activity focuses on men, instead of women. Women are all too familiar with issues related to obtaining birth control or getting an abortion, due to burdensome laws. Ohio men may soon be getting their dose of bureaucracy if the bill introduced by Ohio State Senator Nina Turner passes. Senate Bill 307 would require men seeking a Viagra prescription to undergo a cardiac stress test, meet with a therapist to get evaluated, and get their prescription notarized. Not only is this a way to “shelter vulnerable men from the potential side effects of these drugs,” it is also a great way to help the state make money from notarization fees.

As a man, what bothers me about both of these articles is that Senator Turner’s motivation for passing this law seems to be, in part, spiteful retribution over increased attempts to regulate women’s reproductive health. Now, I can’t blame women for being angry over the Tea Party’s war on women (something I have signed onto and have been calling Congress about regularly), but retribution legislation is a race to the bottom where we all lose.

Perhaps it isn’t driven by spite, maybe Senator Turner really does believe men need to be protected from the dangers of Viagra. It’s a time honored tradition of government to protect people from ourselves, and our ability to get it up is no exception.

So what are these dangers of Viagra that men must be protected from? The most reported on danger seems to be that Viagra can cause permanent blindness, though it doesn’t seem to be that common. The blindness is due to a loss of blood to a particular nerve in the eye, leading to permanent damage; I guess it isn’t a good idea to starve your body for blood in order to feed an epic boner.

Though this problem isn’t very common, this, and other side effects, have led to a class action lawsuit against Viagra’s parent company Pfizer. Out of the three requirements of Senator Turner’s bill only the cardiac stress test makes sense to protect men’s reproductive health. Clearly, if someone has high blood pressure, diabetes, or several other conditions, they probably should not use Viagra, at least not if they want to keep their vision and hearing.

What amuses me about the fact that Viagra can cause blindness is that it brings to mind the Biblical idea that masturbation can cause blindness. The science does not seem to support religion’s view on the matter, and it would seem at masturbation is entirely banal, or perhaps even beneficial to men’s health.

And while man’s scientists are busy finding ways to prolong erections and stop male patterned baldness, the whole world is falling apart around us. Sometimes I feel like we really are living in Idiocracy. Our government really has better things to focus on than men’s safe access to Viagra, such as medical marijuana patient’s safe access to medicine.