I did a big no-no today while in private chat with a client. He asked if instead of having to type his requests to me if I could just call him. I thought I could block my number and call him while he paid to watch me online.
I called him and my number was not blocked and now I have someone whom I know will want to call me all the time.
And I know this because he has already called me twice today gushing about my gorgeousness the whole time. After each call he’d return to my chat room to fill up my screen with how much he wants to be with me.
It’s this and other disconcerting instances that have made me realize I’m too accessible. As it is viewers see me in my home performing sexual acts so already they have voyeuristic access. I want to be friendly honest open and caring. I am cheery and quirky and I answer questions honestly and crack jokes.
Several times in the last week I have heard ‘I just feel like I have this connection with you…this chemistry.’ To me they are often faceless screen names or anonymous cocks being jacked off on my screen. I am realizing that being more distant is perhaps necessary so I don’t end up with someone digging through my trash or wanting to wear my skin.
I am not a seasoned sex worker so I make rookie mistakes left and right. Everyday someone comes into my room asking to marry me, be my man, or date me. Often times it’s a game or a fantasy where everyone involved realizes that none of this is real.
But then there are those who don’t realize it’s fantasy and come in daily saying they love me, that I am the woman for them, and beg for me to love them. It makes me anxious.
I understand it. I get crushes too. I was poking around the CrashPad site today and creamed my panties over Billy Castro. I immediately wanted to know more about him and see about purchasing any films he is in. I know he will be a new addition to my spank bank and I immediately started following him on Twitter. But I recognize there is a line there. I can appreciate him as an entertainer but I am under no delusion that I can just email him and date him.
I politely decline date requests all day long and get gang-banged by chat windows every time I go on Skype or Facebook. On any social network I’m on my inbox is filled with people wanting me to read their stories, comment on their profiles or pics, cam with them, fuck them or date them.
I am just a nerdy shy chick from Oakland who likes to get naked, and I am wholly unprepared for fans. I feel guilty about how long it takes me to respond, but it’s important for me to make an effort. But where is this coming from this need to make everyone happy and this guilt with not being able to?
I am starting to question my niceness. Am I a nice person or am I just one of those women socialized to be accommodating and nice? Am I kind of woman that will worry over the feelings of everyone but not take care of herself?
This porn career is bringing a lot of things to light. I’m seeing seeds of the too-accommodating, too-nice woman. I am realizing that in this business and in life I will have to get it together and not be so ‘nice’ all the time or I will be trampled.
Last week I said that I worried that this industry would change me, but perhaps it’s for the better. It is entirely possible for me to be kind and sexy and successful but still set boundaries and have a space for myself and my own needs. I have to remind myself of this at the end of a long day of trying to fulfill the fantasies of others.
Do I love having fans? Heck yes. Do I want to be worthy of fandom? Of course. But can I date, screw, marry, befriend, email, chat to or call everyone? No. When I am giving a performance, whether on cam or on film, and I am sharing myself with the world, I just have to remember to save some of me for myself.