Blac Betty

The night before my first shoot I wondered, as I tried to wax my own pubes (mistake), what my new life as an adult model would be like. Would it justify the concerned glances of my friends and acquaintances? Or would I feel exhibitionistic, proudly thrusting my newly nuded pusswa and tatas out for the world to see?

I mean, I have already shagged one of my lovers on Xhamster live cam in front of 7,000 viewers; how hard could a few photos it be? I felt confident that after I weeded out the ‘photographers’ with no references or legit portfolios who tried to entice me to their ‘studio’ to get naked, that this new venture was going to be easy.

I selected an older established photographer who wanted to do implied nude glamour shots to help me establish my portfolio. His portfolio featured tasteful shots of nude and semi-nude women in modern glam pinup poses. He had good references and had done over 200 shoots. This was not going to be high art, but I hoped at least it was also not going to be tacky.

It’s weird to spend a work day, at your boring office job, thinking about getting naked in front of a stranger on film. Even more so for me because I am one of those fake outgoing people, that seems friendly and outgoing, but is really a shy terrified loner. So by 6:00 pm when the photographer was scheduled to pick me up, I felt anxiety knocking about in my chest.

The shoot took place in a hotel suite near the Embarcadero. Going to a hotel for a shoot sounds sketchy, but being that he was an out-of-towner, it was our only option. Just in case my best friends had the photographers description, contact info, location info and ‘If you don’t hear from me by…’ instructions. I’m sure other hotel patrons couldn’t help but be amused by the parade of beautiful women this 60 something photographer had in and out of his room all day.

Inside the suite the bed was strewn with bustiers, bras, panties, tutus, and props. I don’t know why this was the point where I started to feel excited. In the bathroom, I adjusted my make-up and did some breathing exercises. This was big. There is something more permanent about photos. I have been under the delusion that anything I do online is fleeting and will disappear. Of course I found out how mistaken I was when I encountered private Skype footage of me making its rounds on the internet… But I digress, once fully naked in a hotel with a stranger, confident that nothing shady was going to happen, I relaxed.

I happily tried on what few items of lingerie fit over my J cup sized breasts and twisted and contorted into a variety of poses. Admittedly, knowing that this photographer worked with a mostly white thin models, I struggled a little with fat brown girl pride. I had to brush off comments like “You have a really pretty face…your body is just something we have to work with,” or “I know you’re proud of your stomach but uh, can you cover it with that boa.” We struggled with a faulty flash and little lighting, and I found myself awkwardly posed trying my hardest to make sexy faces.

Three hours and several looks (including a ‘bondage’ look that involved a mask and what felt like the tasseled ropes one uses to tie back curtains), the shoot was concluded. I left elated and tired, but with a nagging suspicion that these photos might not be all that I hoped they would. Of course, it’s easy to fall short of amazing.

I’m at work a week later when three emails full of pictures arrived in my inbox. Crouched in the disabled bathroom looking at pictures of myself on my cell phone, I encountered my first waves of disappointment. What I had been told was a sexy expression was in reality scared, awkward and troubled. It did not, as I hoped, look like a tasteful glamorous curvy girl shoot. It looked ‘girlfriendish’ as my friend later observed: it was the kind of hotel shoot that one would expect a boyfriend to take of his girlfriend while on vacation. I looked so awkward, and the malfunctioning flash did little to illuminate the images. Upon closer inspection I noticed that the rolls of fat on my mid-section had been haphazardly photo shopped. Ugh.

I felt guilty, the photographer was so enthusiastic about his work, eagerly waiting for the time where I would post his shots in my ModelMayhem.com profile. But there were salvageable shots, and I would have to focus on those.

So this was it, the start of my modeling career, a big Wah Wah. Did I really want to go through with this? Surprisingly I did/do. I want to build upon this experience and prove to myself I can emerge from a shoot body positive with images I was proud of. And I do want to put alternative images of women out there in the sex industry. I have to realize that one photographer in no way represents them all. And since then I have had more positive experiences. Ones which the photographer saw my entire body as beautiful which comes through in the photographs. I’m hoping to be a success later and look back on these photos amused and nostalgic. Of course we never forget our first time.