“I went into it thinking, ‘I’m gonna have a bunch of ugly, socially awkward people,’” she confessed, with a sardonic laugh. “I think that people wish that that were true. It feels safer, doesn’t it?”
-Kitty Stryker (“Yes, I’m a Dominatrix,” East Bay Express)
They aren't all like this...
The stigma associated sex work is hardly limited to those who do the work itself; it also extends to those who patron the establishments offering such services. When I first began pro-domming, I had a limited idea of what to expect; I knew that the preconceived notions I had would probably be proven wrong (and oh, how they were!), but I did not know exactly how. In my mind, professional BDSM was somehow set aside from the rest of sex work, and any fully conceived concept of who the clients would be was beyond my scope.
However, in my initial months at the dungeon, it was easy to paint all of the clients with the same brush, easily summed up with two words: Jeepers creepers! Kitty is right that it is safer for outsiders to assume that the folks who hire sex workers must have something inherently wrong with them. No one wants to imagine their relatives, their friends, or their associates as the type of person who would engage in the underworld of sex work.
As I began to interact with clients on my own, I quickly learned there is hardly a “type.” I realized that most of our clients are normal, average folk who possess specific proclivities which remain unfulfilled for a wide variety of reasons, some of which are truly unexpected. Recently, I was privileged to session with a submissive who was fun to work with, surprisingly gentle, and respectful. He also offered me one of the most touching client stories (hell, life stories) I have encountered yet.
Not just for Maid Marian anymore!
As we sat in negotiation, an integral part of performing safe and consensual BDSM where the parties in the scene discuss what the scene will entail (as well as any hard boundaries or additional information necessary for a successful session), he mentioned that he was wearing a chastity device.
For those who are green to the scene: While the ever popular Robin Hood: Men in Tights popularized (and mocked) the archaic chastity belt, used for the protecting the flowery virginity of pure maidens, chastity devices are not only created for the ladies. Often used as a part of sexual surrender in a Dominant/submissive relationship, particularly for orgasm control, there are chastity devices made for men too. Some of them are simply a tube that encompasses the penis, keeping it in (typically) a downward position, others include an underwear-like structure and/or a design to cup the testicles as well, and used almost exclusively in BDSM play, there are chastity cages, which prevent the wearer from developing an erection.
What an entertaining game to be a part of: Someone locked this gentleman up, and then sent him to a Mistress! The delightful cruelty in that alone made me giddy and curious to hear more. As we began to play, I inquired, “So who has locked you up in this chastity device?” The poignant story he began to impart in bits and pieces throughout the session was both heartening and heartbreaking.
This gentleman, in his sixties, has spent a large portion of his life being married to a woman who he shared a fantastically kinky relationship with. For the past several years, she has been in an acute care facility, with an increasingly fading awareness of the world. While Bailey* did not share the details of her illness, it was clear from his story that it has become increasingly worse over time. Currently, she has no cognizant connection to the present world she is living in. He still goes to see her regularly, even though she now only views him as “just a nice man that visits her.”
During his visits, she tells him stories of adventures she went on and the memories she has of her life. She shares with him tales of things they did together, sharing the story of their love with him, whom she now views as a stranger. Bailey has tried to tell her he knows the stories. He tried to tell her it is him she is speaking of, futilely trying to reconnect the dots in her dimming mind. She dismissed him as silly, telling him, “No, no, this was a young man. He didn’t have a beard.”
During one of his visits several years ago, she was still having good days. It was clear she knew who he was. In the midst of this moment of clarity, she reached out and grabbed his crotch. Through his pants, she felt him wearing the chastity cage she had given him.
“Oh,” she remarked, “You still love me.”
After that, Bailey said that although he knows there are all kinds of newfangled types of devices, he cannot wear another one. Or maybe he could, but he does not want to.
These interactions have a massive impact on my perspective of love, sexuality, and in general, remind me that the misconceptions about our clients are a joke. Bailey’s story reminds me that love is perpetual, consistent, and strong, even if relationships themselves are not always linear. During this conversation, Bailey’s love for is ailing wife is undeniable. Even though he seems resigned to the onerous realities of watching his dearest love lose herself, his voice faltered when he spoke of her. As he told his story, the pain he felt when she seemed to think there was someway he could have lost his love for her was overwhelmingly evident.
In an effort to maintain his confidentiality, I will not share how he continues his play (and who helps him!). However, I assure you: it is another remarkable component of this story that further serves as a testament to strength in community, the compassion of humanity, and the things that people are willing to do to maintain the honor and memory of those who have been, even if still physically present, lost in some way.
Lastly, it reminds me of how peculiarly nuanced love and sexuality can be. Although there is no doubt that any sustaining relationship is based on more than sex, she was reminded of his love through his continued engagement with their kink. It is so easy to categorically dismiss sexual interactions as either completely cursory or as overly significant, but there is a gray area. His love is expressed through the sexual experiences with his wife; his sexuality is fostered through the love they shared for one another. His interactions with his the dommes he visits, while clearly an intimate connection, are equally significant and transient. These things are all mixed up, entangled in one another, and manifested as the cure for the ultimate, seemingly incurable pain in the human condition: loneliness.
*Disclaimer: Bailey’s name has been changed to protect his privacy. This story was printed with his permission.*
A special thank you to webcomic Nic Buxom for letting us use one of her works! Be sure to check out her other clever, well-drawn adventures in pro-BDSM.
Tizzy Wall is the Playpen Report’s petite spitfire sex-worker, here to talk about queerdom, sex work, and other kinktastic wonders. Take a peek into her big, lovely brain on both Tumblr and Twitter. Have specific questions, topic requests, or the sincerest of flattery to offer? Email her !